A new rule

This was originally written on March 2, 2006

This morning I was running a little early for once. Delia is away on business so I had jumped out of bed earlier than normal determined to get some work done. I took my shower and when I got to my closet to get dressed I spotted my new wetsuit. I’d bought it to wear on cold (by Miami standards) mornings so I could take my kayak out without getting too wet and cold. I hadn’t tried it on yet and decided that my current state of dress (none) was a good starting point.

It’s a one piece black and blue suit with a zipper up the chest, so you have to put it on like a jumpsuit. It is designed to be a little snug I guess, so ‘jumpsuit’ is a good term for the process of getting it on. It wasn’t too tough but it was a little challenging getting it over my broad shoulders. Once zipped up it was like a second skin. My first thought is that there’s not enough room left to fart. Maybe extra large isn’t large enough. I remembered that it came in XXL and XXXL too. At the time I thought maybe some people should just stay out of the water. Now I’m thinking maybe some people just like a looser fitting suit.

Okay, so now it’s time to take the suit off and get dressed for work. Uh oh! Try as I might I couldn’t manipulate both shoulders out of the top – only one. Not good enough. If I get one shoulder bare I still cannot get my arm out. Struggling more wasn’t doing much except getting my pulse up and making me sweat out of frustration.

Now I am struck with the realization that I am in this fix alone. Delia is in Vegas. Diana is in the Dominican Republic on Spring Break. Jaclyn is in New York, and Stefanie is at school. Meesh and Penny, my only companions, are cats and don’t take orders well. Besides they are puny and weak, not what I need.

My remaining options are unsatisfactory. Anyone else that I might get to help me get this suit off is not handy. Mom and Dad are nearby in Hollywood, but it’s early and I’d have to go over there in the suit. Going out dressed in a wetsuit is not really appealing to me. And I am not about to go to work to ask for help there. I’d never live it down.

My other thought is that I am going to have to cut this thing off. I dismissed this fairly quickly as I didn’t want to have a brand new two piece $65 wetsuit.

I start looking around the room for something to assist my efforts. I find a good wooden hanger and think I might be able to pry my other shoulder out, but then second thoughts get me to consider the possibility that this could leave me with both arms pinned behind my back. Trying to imagine an even more impossible situation, I decide against it.

I am left with the realization that I have just not tried hard enough. A monumental struggle with one arm results in success and a highly elevated pulse, but I breathe easier. I look at the suit to verify the size (a little late for that!). Nothing confirms my suspicions. Nor do I find a label that gives the warning that I should have gotten.

I quickly resolve to make a new life rule: Never try on a new wetsuit without company.